Monday, December 24, 2007

We are here by the grace of God.

It is my biggest fear~ something I have thought about time and time again....loosing a child or my husband. It is something I don't think anyone should have to go through, but at the same time it is in God's plan why things happen as they do & for me I was spared the heart ache and pain on December the 16th around 12pm. I have never felt such a helpless feeling, nor do I ever want to again.

We started the day as we do everyday....normal everyday things~it was cold outside so Tate had to play inside & was pulling every string I had, as I was getting dressed & tending to Lyla. I talked to Rob and had him play/wrestle with Tate on our bed~ which happens to be one of their favorite things to do (or was one of them). As they played I continued to put on my makeup & dress myself until I heard a huge thud & Tate crying! (He had fallen off the bed backwards onto the crown of his head, something I found out later.) So I come running out of the bathroom to find Tate crying and Rob consoling him. Which was really nothing new, as he gets hurt often & really throws a big fit over the smallest things~ so I just went to hold him as I normally would. I noticed before pulling him into my chest, that his lips were alittle purple~ something that sometimes happens when he cries really hard..... well this time was different! As I held him against my chest I could feel the life gone out of him...his chest felt so thin & lifeless~ I will never forget the feeling I felt when I realized he wasn't breathing~ I held his body out from me to see his face & it was completely colorless, his lips were completely purple/blue and his skin had lost all color. I yelled at Rob that he wasn't breathing and he also thought it was just him crying really hard and needing his breath, but once Rob saw his face he too started to scream. We both looked at one another in terror, unsure what to do. Although Rob was a cop for years his training totally left him. I started shaking Tate and yelling his name, but he didn't respond~ it was then that Rob realized I should not be shaking him & he responded to the situation as his training taught him. He instructed me to call 911 and he would do CPR. As I set Tate on the bed his body fell lemp, I couldn't help but pause there and look helplessly at Rob as he yelled at me to call 911!! So I ran down stairs looking for the phone....I glanced at every table then at the kitchen counter~ no phone, I seemed to be in a fog~ as if I couldn't do anything to help! I finally found the phone then called I was back upstairs by the time the woman answered and Tate was breathing again! Rob had compressed his chest 4 to 5 times and then he took a breath...he directly started to cry and it was he sweetest sound I have ever heard. Once the paramedics left the house I sat on the couch with my family and I cried, and cried, and cried and cried! During the rush of it all I didn't REALLY understand what had happened~ it was like I said before more of a foggy type thing. Once it all went away & we were sitting together, doing what we normally do ~ that is when it hit me...I almost lost my son, I held my son when there was no air in his body, I could have spent the rest of my life with out seeing his smiling hit me & I realized more than I've ever realized before just how imporant my family is & just how easily they can be taken from me. I felt helpless in the time of need, although we had all the help we needed. As I ran down the hallway to get the phone I was yelling "Keep him alive, Keep him alive" After replaying it all back with Rob, he said he could hear me yelling that...and that he would've felt so quilty if he wouldn't have kept him alive. My answer to him was "I wasn't talking to you........"

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